Prom

Q: What’s the movie about?

A: The most uninteresting and unoriginal problems that an ensemble of teens in an imaginary high school might encounter around going to Prom.

Q: Who’s in the movie?

A: Aimee Teegarden, Thomas McDonell, DeVaughn Nixon, Danielle Campbell, Yin Chang, Jared Kusnitz, Nolan Sotillo, Cameron Monaghan, Kylie Bunbury, Joe Adler, Janelle Ortiz, Jonathan Keltz, Nicholas Braun, Raini Rodriguez, Christine Elise McCarthy, Dean Norris, Faith Ford, Jere Burns

Q: Is this movie worth the price of admission?

A: Stop! This movie makes me so angry. It has cliché dialogue and storylines, no energy whatsoever, and adds absolutely nothing to the teen movie genre. The best way to describe it is completely unnecessary.

Q: Will this movie make me laugh?

A: The only thing that made me laugh was the animalistic squealing of two thirteen year old girl across the row, who could hardly contain their teen angst every time the pulchritudinous Thomas McDonell strutted into frame. And when I say he strutted into frame every time, I am neither joking, nor exaggerating.

Q: Will this movie make me cry?

A: Oh, I'm crying alright! I have written three great teen comedies, all of which actually have plots-- I know, crazy-- and all of which have premises-- i.e. concepts that add something new to the teen comedy genre. My movies have been well received by Hollywood execs who have wanted to make them, but couldn't pass them up the ladder because, "Teen movies aren't making money, right now, so nobody's making them, and I have nowhere to sell this." I was really counting on this movie to bring the whole genre back into vogue. But this movie is so awful, it makes me never want to see another teen movie again. And in case you weren't paying attention, I've written 3 of them!

Q: Will this movie be up for any awards?

A: Most Well Behaved Teenagers of the New Millenium. What makes this group so special? In the whole movie, I didn't see one of them talk on a cell phone, text, or tweet. And here I thought that was an impossibility... But I guess not when you have a modern day high school movie where the filmmakers forgot that it's no longer 1983.

Q: How is the Acting?

A: Let me describe the depth of characters to you. There's the blond peppy girl, the tall nerdy guy, the sweet underclassmen, the jock who cheats (and looks about 35), the popular girl who's confident even when things go bad, and the guy who looks like a young Johnny Depp and drives a motorcycle because he's a bad boy. I defy anyone to find more to any of those characters than I've put down here.

Q: How is the Directing?

A: Joe Nussbaum has directed both straight to video movies, and theatrical movies that nobody saw until they came out on video. His work here should continue nicely in that direction.

Q: How is the story/script?

A: I read in The Hollywood Reporter last week that Katie Wech, who wrote this movie, has already been hired to write another movie for Disney that may be a sequel to Prom. Having seen this movie, I have come to the conclusion that the "news" article I read was only given to the press to create false buzz, by pretending that Prom would be worthy of a sequel, which clearly it's not.

Q: Is there anything else worth mentioning about the movie?

A: Rich Ross was recently appointed the new Chairman of Disney, and this movie is the first to come out that was developed by his regime. Ever since he's become the head, no one in Hollywood seems to be able to figure out what Disney wants to be. But if this is it, I have a stock tip for you: SELL!

Q: Where can I see the trailer?

A: Prom Trailer

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Fast Five

Q: What’s the movie about?

A: First of all, can you believe I saw this?! Got passes to a free screening and thought the poster looked cool, so I went to the 5th installment of The Fast and the Furious franchise, of which I've seen NONE of the the first four. So here's what I think it's about... There's this bad guy, and he befriended an undercover cop, but now the cop loves him, because he's dating the bad guy's sister, so he decides to break the bad guy out of jail, and now he's a bad guy, too. But really, they're both good guys.

Q: Who’s in the movie?

A: Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, Jordana Brewster, Tyrese Gibson, Chris "Lucacris" Bridges, Matt Schulze, Sung Kang, Gal Gadot, Tego Calderon, Don Omar, Joaquim de Almeida, Dwayne Johnson, Elsa Pataky, Michael Irby

Q: Is this movie worth the price of admission?

A: Go! It's loud! And crazy! And I think the heroes died about once every five minutes if this weren't a movie. But it really is adrenaline pumping, and anyone who takes it as pure fantasy, existing merely for the purpose of outlandish action, is gonna love it.

Q: Will this movie make me laugh?

A: Yes. At the acting. I haven't seen the first four, so I'm assuming this is meant to be a spoof.

Q: Will this movie make me cry?

A: They destroy at least $10 million worth of cars, so somebody should be crying. Like all those people who just lost their jobs and got their cars repoed recently. Look out for yours, it's probably in there getting smashed to bits.

Q: Will this movie be up for any awards?

A: I don't see how anyone could ever beat this in a vehicular stunt contest. I also think the guy who has to clean up the mess these guys leave in their wake should get an award.

Q: How is the Acting?

A: Vin Diesel makes the Rock look like an Oscar contender. And Paul Walker is so bland, that most actors would have to be lobotomized to do what he does. But at least the girls are bad-ass.

Q: How is the Directing?

A: Sometimes when I watch all the different angles Justin Lin had to get to cover the action scenes and explosions, I think he must have a lot of patience. But don't cast The Rock and Vin Diesel in the same fight scene. In fast motion, it's impossible to tell their bald heads apart!

Q: How is the story/script?

A: As a screenwriter myself, all I can say is, "How do they come up with this stuff?!" Oh, yeah, it's like this.

Q: Where can I see the trailer?

A: Fast Five Trailer

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Brother's Justice

Q: What’s the movie about?

A: Dax Shepard attempts to move his career out of comedy and into martial arts films, in this meta-mockumentary.

Q: Who’s in the movie?

A: Dax Shepard, Nate Tuck, Tom Arnold, Ashton Kutcher, Jon Favreau, Bradley Cooper, David Koechner, Michael Rosenbaum, Ryan Hansen, Greg Siegel, James Feldman, Andrew Panay, Jessica Simpson, Carson Daly

Q: Is this movie worth the price of admission?

A: Proceed with Caution. The tone is tongue in cheek, pretending to be real when it's so obviously fake. And that's a tone that a lot of people can appreciate... Even though, at this point, we've seen a lot of fake movies about movies trying to get made.

Q: Will this movie make me laugh?

A: I'll tell you one thing, on more than one occasion, you can see the actors trying not to crack up, which is especially funny because they want so badly for you to believe this is all real.

Q: Will this movie make me cry?

A: No, but I have to warn you, this movie hits high levels of homophobia, and medium levels of racism.

Q: Will this movie be up for any awards?

A: It won the Audience Award at SXSW Film Festival, and I can see why. This is the kind of humor that's best experienced with a hip, alternative festival audience.

Q: How is the Acting?

A: Dax presents himself as a real jerk, which I'm not sure is a great career-move. But then again, since the whole movie is a joke, maybe it's brilliant?

Q: How is the Directing?

A: Aside from a few purposely-campy film trailers, scattered throughout the film, the movie is meant to look like a bad hand-held documentary, so there's nothing too showy, except the musical choices. I'm especially partial to a terrible auto-tune number, which uses some of the main characters' dialogue to create a bad techno-remix that instantly gets stuck in your head.

Q: How is the story/script?

A: It walks a very fine line between wanting to be real and fake. And, if you believe that it's real, you now know that all actors know each other, all actors are jealous of each other, and they deal with their jealousy by beating each other up. But I guess if you've ever read a tabloid, you already knew that.

Q: Is there anything else worth mentioning about the movie?

A: Having just been picked up for distribution at the Tribeca Film Festival, this movie is currently released on VOD. But it's coming out in theaters on May 12th in New York and L.A. Having experimented with this release tactic tonight, I have to say, it doesn't make much sense to pay $11 to see it somewhere across town in two weeks, when I can see it right now for $6, without ever having to leave my living room. That said, I can see how this film would be better enjoyed with an audience... I'm starting to see why theater owners are pissed off about this new distribution model.

Q: Where can I see the trailer?

A: Brother's Justice Trailer

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Water for Elephants

Q: What’s the movie about?

A: A young man (Robert Pattinson) becomes a veterinarian for the circus during the Great Depression, and falls in love with the tyrannical circus owner's (Christoph Waltz) wife (Reese Witherspoon).

Q: Who’s in the movie?

A: Robert Pattinson, Reese Witherspoon, Christoph Waltz, Paul Schneider, Jim Norton, Hal Holbrook, Mark Povinelli, Stephen Monroe Taylor, and Tai, in the role of Rosie the elephant.

Q: Is this movie worth the price of admission?

A: Go! Though riddled with coincidences too good to be true, the setting is fairly original, the characters are complex and well developed, and the story of good love conquering evil love never gets old.

Q: Will this movie make me laugh?

A: There's a laughing hyena who actually laughs, and that made me laugh. Even more so when I tried to figure out what you would do with a hyena in a circus.

Q: Will this movie make me cry?

A: You should be warned that for a love story, there's a lot of violence and gore, and some of it is against animals, so all you beast worshipers will probably never feel anything less than rage for Christoph Waltz again. Just try to remember that he's just an actor playing a part. And if you can't get yourself to relate to that, then console yourself with the fact that what he did to the Jews in Inglorious Basterds was much worse.

Q: Will this movie be up for any awards?

A: Will somebody please give that elephant an Academy Award?

Q: How is the Acting?

A: When I was at the Twilight premiere, some Hollywood big-wig tried to convince me that Robert Pattinson would never be able to break out of his Edward role. He was wrong.

Q: How is the Directing?

A: Director, Francis Lawrence has once again proven that Rob Pattinson is an amazing kisser. Separately, I really enjoyed the shots of the smoke coming from the train, as it speeds off into the blue screen-- er, night sky.

Q: How is the story/script?

A: I haven't read the book this is based on, but I am still impressed at how well Richard LaGravenese transformed it into a properly structured movie. I wish, however, that there weren't so many pivotal plot points that revolved around convenient happenstances, which snap you out of the feeling that this might just be a true story-- which it isn't.

Q: Is there anything else worth mentioning about the movie?

A: Am I the only one who really wants to call this movie "Like Water for Elephants" behind its back?

Q: Where can I see the trailer?

A: Water for Elephants

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The Greatest Movie Ever Sold

Q: What’s the movie about?

A: Documentarian Morgan Spurlock, sets out to raise money for a movie about branding and product placement, by hitting up brands and funding the movie entirely with product placement.

Q: Who’s in the movie?

A: Morgan Spurlock mostly. Also a lot of brands, and a few people who are still trying to figure out if they need to be brands.

Q: Is this movie worth the price of admission?

A: Proceed with Caution. Since nobody is paying me to say good things about this movie, I'm not contractually obligated to withhold the fact that most of you won't learn anything that you didn't already know, from watching this.

Q: Will this movie make me laugh?

A: If you've never used Mane & Tail, you'll find it funny that there is a shampoo that is marketed to both people and horses. If you have used it, you might not find it funny that everyone is laughing at you... Then again, you might get the last laugh because it really does make your hair silky smooth. (I imagine that I'm legally obigated to mention that Mane & Tail did not pay for this placement.)

Q: Will this movie make me cry?

A: The movie won't make you cry, unless you start to think about the ways in which this constantly-being-advertised-to thing is only gonna get worse. And it's not even getting worse before it can get better. It's just getting worse with no positive outcome at all.

Q: Will this movie be up for any awards?

A: In all seriousness, I would love to see this get some Key Art Awards. And I've never given the Key Art Award a second thought in my life... Then again, Key Art is the Award for the Movie Marketing Poster, so I suppose I should care, since most of the movies that get made were greenlit based on what the poster might look like.

Q: How is the Acting?

A: Just found out that my friend Xavier, who's actually mentioned by name in my The Hangover review, is in this film. Another casting surprise was the presence of my first ever Hollywood boss, publicist Michael Levine. He's kind of a nut-- which I can say, because despite the fact that I run into him regularly, he seems to have no idea who I am. That said, I will always be grateful to him for his extreme anal retentiveness, which caused me to become a meticulous perfectionist dedicated to never making any mistakes in the name of the person I worked for. He prepared me for the realities of what it would be like to work as a Hollywood assistant, for just about any boss in show biz. In fact, he trained me so well that my second boss refused to let me quit.

Q: How is the Directing?

A: Morgan Spurlock has a cute way of referring to the camera in jest when he makes blatant commercials, right in the middle of his movie.

Q: How is the story/script?

A: Idiocracy by Mike Judge said it first and funnier.

Q: Is there anything else worth mentioning about the movie?

A: The full title of the film is actually Pom Wonderful Presents The Greatest Movie Ever Sold. I wanted to mention that because Pom Wonderful paid good money to have their name above the title, and they also gave out free drinks at the screening, which was wonderful. But mostly because I was really parched.

Q: Where can I see the trailer?

A: The Greatest Movie Ever Sold Trailer

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Scream 4

Q: What’s the movie about?

A: When Sidney (Neve Campbell) returns to her home town after 15 years, Ghostface Killer (the serial killer, not the rapper) decides to go on his first killing spree since the last time she was in town.

Q: Who’s in the movie?

A: Neve Campbell, David Arquette, Courtney Cox, Emma Roberts, Hayden Panettiere, Marielle Jaffe, Marley Shelton, Rory Culkin, Nico Tortorella, Erik Knudsen, Anthony Anderson, Adam Brody, Alison Brie, Mary McDonnell, Lucy Hale, Shenae Grimes, Anna Paquin, Kristen Bell, Aimee Teegarden, Brittany Robertson, Heather Graham

Q: Is this movie worth the price of admission?

A: Proceed with Caution. It's not bad. It's not good. It's just a completely unnecessary addition to your film repertoire. Especially if you've seen the other films in this series, because this one adds pretty much nothing to the party.

Q: Will this movie make me laugh?

A: How many Meta-jokes can one movie make? This movie attempts to determine that with the answer: All of them. Even the ones that have already been made in Screams 1, 2, & 3.

Q: Will this movie make me cry?

A: You could feel sad for Courtney Cox and David Arquette who play a married couple in the movie, while playing a divorcing couple in real life. Their animosity towards each other really comes across on the screen.

Q: Will this movie be up for any awards?

A: Flashback to the 90s Award. You feel like you're right back in it, since nothing in this town or this franchise has evolved or been updated since then.

Q: How is the Acting?

A: Emma Roberts hits a false note when she yells at Neve Campbell in a climactic scene, but then redeems herself with a short but perfectly nuanced performance in the following scene, in the hospital.

Q: How is the Directing?

A: Remember when they remade Psycho shot for shot, and all anybody had to say was, "Why bother to remake it if you're just going to do the exact same movie with younger actors?" Well, that's exactly how you feel watching this movie. Only this time, it's unintentional... I don't know which is worse.

Q: How is the story/script?

A: The "Why done it?" re-iterates how totally unjustified this killing spree actually is, and leaves you even more confused about why this particular character would have the capacity to kill anyone. The only redeeming part of the story is the ending after the ending, which at least tries something new, and then ruins it with a line of dialogue that suggests that you should never try anything new.

Q: Where can I see the trailer?

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A: Scream 4 Trailer

Your Highness

Q: What’s the movie about?

A: Two princes, one noble (James Franco) and one a slacker (Danny McBride), go on a quest to save a fair maiden (Zooey Deschanel) from an evil wizard (Justin Theroux), who plans to take over the world with the power he will gain by de-virginizing/raping her when the two moons meet.

Q: Who’s in the movie?

A: Danny McBride, James Franco, Rasmus Hardiker, Natalie Portman, Zooey Deschanel, Justin Theroux, Toby Jones, Damian Lewis, Charles Dance

Q: Is this movie worth the price of admission?

A: Stop! I read a speculative headline today that asked, "Did Your Highness' box office suffer because James Franco bombed at the Oscars?" The writer of this article obviously has not seen this movie, or he would know that the reason this movie suffers is because it's very ill. By which I mean sick. By which I mean awful. But it may actually be so bad that it's good.

Q: Will this movie make me laugh?

A: Not at first, but after a while, when you get past the shock and denial of how terrible all of it is, you may start to giggle that this is actually happening. You are actually watching this. You actually spent money on the ticket. And they actually just said that.

Q: Will this movie make me cry?

A: "Disturb" is a more accurate description of the emotion it elicits.

Q: Will this movie be up for any awards?

A: They get the I Beat the MPAA Award. How they avoided an NC17 rating with the extended full frontal shots of a Minotaur's boner, is beyond me.

Q: How is the Acting?

A: Natalie Portman's presence in this film reminds me of that time when Sandra Bullock won the Oscar and the Razzie in the same day. Only difference is Natalie is so good in this atrocity that it really makes you wonder if when she signed up to be in it, she wasn't convinced that anyone was actually going to like Black Swan.

Q: How is the Directing?

A: If you want to think David Gordon Green is a good director, you should see Pineapple Express. If you want to think he's a crappy director, you should see this.

Q: How is the story/script?

A: This is one of the scripts where you know it was hatched because a bunch of guys were sitting around, probably getting loaded, and throwing out hilarious "What ifs." The conversation most likely went something like this: "What if you were on a quest, and when you got to the wise man he was a freaky looking alien?" "Yeah! And what if he were a perv, too, who makes you blow him for information." "That's hilarious! And what if he had molested you, when you were young, but you don't realize it, cuz when kids get molested, they don't know that there's anything wrong with it." Crickets.... "That's really weird... We should definitely put that in!" The thing is, some what ifs make good movies and some what ifs make funny conversations that you should never admit to having been a part of.

Q: Where can I see the trailer?

A: Your Highness Trailer

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Hanna

Q: What’s the movie about?

A: A child (Saoirse Ronan), trained from birth to be an assassin, goes on her first mission to kill her father's (Eric Bana) nemesis (Cate Blanchett). While her skills are superb, the thing that may do her in is her unfamiliarity with modern-day society and all its trinkets... like electricity.

Q: Who’s in the movie?

A: Saoirse Ronan, Eric Bana, Cate Blanchett, Tom Hollander, Jessica Barden, Olivia Williams, Aldo Maland, Jason Flemyng, John MacMillan, Sebastian Hulk, Joel Basman, Vicky Krieps, Mechelle Dockery, Mohamed Majd, Gudrun Ritter, Marin Wuttke

Q: Is this movie worth the price of admission?

A: Proceed with Caution. From the opening scene which reeks of child abuse to the closing scene which leaves you with very little hope for the future to the middle scenes which lack in logical character motivation, this movie is chock-full of problems. But aside from all that, it really works!

Q: Will this movie make me laugh?

A: An English family that Hanna encounters is quite hilarious. In fact, I would've rather seen a whole movie about them. It would've been called, "Little Miss Sunshine: The English."

Q: Will this movie make me cry?

A: Don't be an animal lover if you don't want to cry. There are several gruesome dead animal shots... But maybe if you had to live off the land, like Hanna does, you would care a little less about the animals, and care a little more about what's for dinner tonight.

Q: Will this movie be up for any awards?

A: The Chemical Brothers' score is reminiscent of a video game score, which matches both their own style of music and the tone of the scenes in which their score is used.

Q: How is the Acting?

A: Saoirse Ronan is a child actor who deserved her Academy Award nomination, and will prove what I'm saying by getting nominated for many more in the years to come.

Q: How is the Directing?

A: As far as I'm concerned, with this piece, Joe Wright cements his reputation as a "look at me" director. On the other hand, his ability to pick music for the score is unmatched.

Q: How is the story/script?

A: What kind of action script has the bad guys find the heroine but then wait around for a few days, to give her time to realize they're there, when they could have just taken her right away? A bad action script. Possibly the same kind of action script where the final moment, which will determine who wins the final battle, hinges on a mishap that is completely accidental, and therefore inactive on the part of both the hero and the villain. I'm thinking somebody needs to freshen up on the basics of screenwriting.

Q: Where can I see the trailer?

A: Hanna Trailer

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In a Better World

Q: What’s the movie about?

A: Two outcast school boys (William Johnk Juels Nielsen & Markus Rygaard) begin to retaliate against the violence and injustice of their assaulters and it goes too far.

Q: Who’s in the movie?

A: Mikael Persbrandt, Trine Dyrholm, Ulrich Thomsen, William Johnk Juels Nielsen, Markus Rygaard, Bodil Jorgensen, Toke Lars Bjarke, Simon Maafaard Holm, Odiege Matthew, Elsebeth Steentoft, Anette Stovelbek, Kim Bodnia, Martin Buch

Q: Is this movie worth the price of admission?

A: Proceed with Caution. As is the case with most of Susanne Bier's films, you have to have a strong stomach and a fair amount of patience to endure it, but if you can, you will find you have a lot of respect for how angry she makes you feel.

Q: Will this movie make me laugh?

A: Susanne Bier doesn't believe in humor.

Q: Will this movie make me cry?

A: Cry for a better world maybe. But mostly, it will inspire you not to have children, because they are the ones who will have to live in this one.

Q: Will this movie be up for any awards?

A: I predict that it will win the Academy Award for Best Foreign Film, last year.

Q: How is the Acting?

A: If the Academy really felt compelled to nominate kids for acting awards, these are the ones they should've nominated. Both Markus Rygaard and William Johnk Juels Nielsen blow Hailee Steinfeld out of the water. And if their characters had met her in a swimming pool, they probably would've done it literally.

Q: How is the Directing?

A: Susanne Bier is one of the original Dogme 95 crew, and 16 years since that Danish filmmaking philosophy was founded, she hasn't seemed to veer too much from it. Some of the rules she still follows are: shooting solely on location and hand held. One of the rules she no longer follows is: The director must not be credited.

Q: How is the story/script?

A: Intense, vicious, and true to how quickly sorrow, depression and desperation can turn even the most average of us into destructive psychopaths.

Q: Where can I see the trailer?

A: In a Better World Trailer

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Super

Q: What’s the movie about?

A: A man's (Rainn Wilson) wife (Liv Tyler) leaves him for a drug kingpin (Kevin Bacon), and convinced that she was kidnapped, and didn't leave voluntarily, he decides to become a superhero, donning a costume and going after bad guys, until he is ready to go after the kingpin who stole his wife.

Q: Who’s in the movie?

A: Rainn Wilson, Ellen Page, Liv Tyler, Kevin Bacon, Gregg Henry, Michael Rooker, Andre Royo, Sean Gunn, Stephen Blackehart, Don Mac, Linda Cardellini, Nathan Fillion

Q: Is this movie worth the price of admission?

A: Stop! Go see Kick-Ass instead.

Q: Will this movie make me laugh?

A: If you are sick and twisted... but not in the good way.

Q: Will this movie make me cry?

A: I felt sad for them that they came out after Kick-Ass. I also felt sad for all the A-list actors who signed up to be in a film so amateurish.

Q: Will this movie be up for any awards?

A: There are a handful of nerds who will shower this with blogger awards because the character is so pathetic, he will make anybody feel better about themselves.

Q: How is the Acting?

A: I have honestly never seen Ellen Page or Kevin Bacon do anything I didn't like... until now.

Q: How is the Directing?

A: James Gunn should invest in a cinematographer. The whole thing looks like it was made for twenty bucks. And the wanna-be Scott Pilgrim vs. the World graphics have already been done in Scott Pilgrim vs. the World.

Q: How is the story/script?

A: Dark, dark, dark comedy. This is the first time I've truly contemplated the age old question of whether superheroes are actually the bad guys posing as good guys. In this story the heroes show no remorse about killing anybody, and in fact, often take great pleasure in it.

Q: Is there anything else worth mentioning about the movie?

A: I went to pre-school with a guy named Super, and he was weird, too.

Q: Where can I see the trailer?

A: Super Trailer

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