Red Riding Hood

Q: What’s the movie about?

A: Very loosely based on the fairy tale of the same name, this story of werewolves living amongst us seems to exist almost solely for the purpose of capitalizing on the Twilight phenomenon.

Q: Who’s in the movie?

A: Amanda Seyfried, Gary Oldman, Billy Burke, Shiloh Fernandez, Max Irons, Virginia Madsen, Lukas Haas, Julie Christie, Shauna Kain, Michael Hogan, Adrian Holmes, Cole Heppell, Christine Willes, Michael Shanks, Kacey Rohl

Q: Is this movie worth the price of admission?

A: Proceed with Caution. What the imitators of Twilight never seem to be able to capture is the one thing that makes the little girls scream: the squirm-inducing sexual tension between the heroes that comes from the fact that they can't have each other, and being teenagers with raging hormones, this means that they will absolutely die if they can't have what they want.

Q: Will this movie make me laugh?

A: The part where she says, "Grandmother, what big eyes you have" is kind of funny, but not intentionally.

Q: Will this movie make me cry?

A: A lot of people die, so-- no.

Q: Will this movie be up for any awards?

A: Red Riding Hood gets the award for being the first of a slew of lame fairy-tale re-tellings aimed at adults that have become the latest trend in Hollywood. Here's how Hollywood thinks, "What can we make into a movie that has a built in brand, that we don't have to spend money on?" And that's why there is now a Jack in the Beanstalk project in the works, two competing Snow White projects coming your way, and three Peter Pan movies racing to get to the big screen first. And all of them are action adventure films aimed at grown ups, because everyone knows that's who the fairy-tale brand speaks to the loudest... Think about it, Hollywood!

Q: How is the Acting?

A: Shiloh Fernandez is a pleasure to look at, but he lacks the charisma of a Robert Pattinson. I want to give director Hardwicke props for casting her own Twilight discovery, Billy Burke, thus expanding his career, but unfortunately, Burke suffers from the same problem as Fernandez in this piece. Amanda Seyfried, though, pops off the screen effortlessly.

Q: How is the Directing?

A: Catherine Hardwicke comes from a background as a set designer, so it comes as no surprise that the art direction in this film is beautiful. She also directed the first Twilight, so it comes as a great surprise that one of the shots in the film looks like it was literally poached from her vampire flick. I know I've seen that shot before, and while it's pretty, I'm not sure you're allowed to reuse your old shots from other movies unless it's part of an inside joke-- which this is clearly not. But, recycled shots or not, the look of this film is definitely its most compelling aspect.

Q: How is the story/script?

A: All of the interesting choices for who the werewolf might turn out to be are too obvious, so the writers are left with the choice to pick someone obvious, or pick someone more random, and either way we're going to be a little disappointed.

Q: Where can I see the trailer?

A: Red Riding Hood Trailer

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Vampires Suck

Q: What’s the movie about?

A: Twilight is spoofed, similarly to how Scream was spoofed in Scary Movie.

Q: Who’s in the movie?

A: Jenn Proske, Matt Lanter, Diedrich Bader, Chris Riggi, Anneliese van der Pol, Ken Jeong, B.J. Britt, Arielle Kebbel, David Deluise, Charlie Webber, Michael Hanson, Kelsey Ford, Jun Hee Lee

Q: Is this movie worth the price of admission?

A: Proceed with Caution. You know what you're getting into with this type of broad humor based almost exclusively in pop culture. And if you are going to see this, you should have a solid knowledge of the Twilight Saga going in... which, somehow, I do.

Q: Will this movie make me laugh?

A: What's funny about movies based in pop culture is they're almost too dumb to be blond.

Q: Will this movie make me cry?

A: What's sad about movies based in pop culture is that they feel passé by the time they come out on DVD.

Q: Will this movie be up for any awards?

A: Funniest Song. "My Panties" by Magicwandos. Imagine you're looking at Kristen Stewart in Twilight, and you suddenly hear the lyrics in her head, put to an emo alternative rock tune, "I feel so lonely. Nobody gets me. I. Am. So. Unhappy."

Q: How is the Acting?

A: I am totally not kidding when I say that Jenn Proske turns in one of the most impressive performances of the year. Sure, it's just an impersonation of Kristen Stewart, but the mannerisms, the posture, even the voice are spot on. This is how Anna Faris started her career with the Scary Movie franchise, and I see a future just as bright for this new actress, who has a total of zero credits to her name leading up to this one. It's almost worth seeing the movie just for her.

Q: How is the Directing?

A: From the very first shot I was surprised that this movie didn't look crappier. In fact, for $20million, Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer do a pretty darn good job of making it look exactly like Twilight. In further fact, the directors of the Twilight movies should be ashamed of themselves for needing so much more money to get the same look.

Q: How is the story/script?

A: It's so close to the Twilight story that there are times when you forget that you're watching a spoof. But right when you get comfortable with the idea that you're simply watching a remake with new actors who are imitating the old actors, they throw a joke in your face-- often quite literally.

Q: Is there anything else worth mentioning about the movie?

A: I love it when I get a natural opportunity in my post to write commonly searched words (Twilight) seven times and (Kristen Stewart) thrice... not counting the tags.

Q: Where can I see the trailer?

A: http://www.moviefone.com/movie/vampires-suck/51638/trailers

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The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

Q: What’s the movie about?

A: Bella (Kristen Stewart) still wants to be a vampire. Edward (Robert Pattison) still wants her to marry him. Jacob (Taylor Lautner) still loves her. And Victoria (Bryce Dallas Howard) is coming to eat her.

Q: Who’s in the movie?

A: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Billy Burke, Xavier Samuel, Ashley Greene, Jackson Rathbone, Nikki Reed, Kellan Lutz, Peter Facinelli, Elizabeth Reaser, Bryce Dallas Howard, Dakota Fanning, Anna Kendrick, Michael Welch, Christian Serratos, Justin Chon, Kiowa Gordon, Tyson Houseman, Bronson Pelletier, Alex Meraz, Julia Jones, Tinsel Korey, Chaske Spencer, Gil Birmingham, Alex Rice, BooBoo Stewart, Daniel Cudmore, Cameron Bright, Charlie Bewley, Catalina Sandino, Moreno

Q: Is this movie worth the price of admission?

A: Go! If you overlook the fact that Bella is basically choosing between bestiality and necrophilia, it's a fun, sexually-charged, tantric ride.

Q: Will this movie make me laugh?

A: The threesome scene is pretty funny.

Q: Will this movie make me cry?

A: For sure. But it's the kind of crying that only happens during moments of insane fandom, when you realize that your idol is right there in front of you in 70mm. Think Beatlemania with Twi-hards.

Q: Will this movie be up for any awards?

A: There is something about the way Bella and Edward kiss that makes you wish it were you. I don't know how they do it, but they really do deserve a nomination for Best Kiss. (That's an actual award, Mom.)

Q: How is the Acting?

A: The acting is decent enough in this one, but the characters are really getting annoying. Jacob is a douche for continually trying to convince Bella to love him, right in front of her boyfriend. He comes off delusional and out of his league. Edward is a sap, all he can talk about is marriage and saving sex until after that's done. His love is so unconditional, you start to really wonder what it's based on. And Bella comes off like a whiny brat, always saying, "I don't want you guys putting your lives in danger over little ol' me... But don't let me die, okay?"

Q: How is the Directing?

A: More than one scene was blurry, and the filmic style has definitely gotten less gritty since Catherine Hardwicke left the picture. On the flip side, the latest director, David Slade, seems to have brought out a slightly deeper level of acting from his stars. Rumor has it, Billy Burke (the dad) and Peter Facinelli (the vampire dad) ended up having to take over the acting-coaching responsibilities before this director came along.

Q: How is the story/script?

A: It's a nice touch that this episode gives us some of their origin stories. We learn about Rosalie's background and how she became a vampire and what era she lived in, as well as Jasper's history, era, and conversion days. Most interesting perhaps, though, is the brief history of the Indian tribe's bloody past, and how they came to hate vampires. In other scripting news, I still haven't figured out why Edward and Jacob are fighting over Bella. What's she got? I mean, aside from being a good kisser.

Q: Is there anything else worth mentioning about the movie?

A: Rob Pattinson gets a pretty bad rap for constantly complaining about all the fanatical girls screaming in his presence. Well, I went to the Premiere last night, and I have to say, the insanity of the energy (and screaming and fainting) that occurred when he walked in, gave me a lot more sympathy for what he's dealing with on a daily basis. He could hardly get to his seat, despite more security than the Commander in Chief. His fans are not only crazy, they're animalistic. Then again, their presence in the screening added a wonderful je ne sais quoi to the whole viewing experience. Especially during the sexy scenes, when they literally freaked out screaming at the screen, as if Rob Pattinson and Kristen Stewart weren't in the room, too. It must have been very uncomfortable for them.

Q: Where can I see the trailer?

A: http://www.moviefone.com/movie/the-twilight-saga-eclipse/36837/trailers

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The Twilight Saga: New Moon

(Guest Review by Kacy)

Q: What’s the movie about?

A: Vampires, Werewolves and teen angst. Oh my God-- can you believe Edward actually dumps Bella?! I mean his reasons are good, but still! And then her only choice is to fall into the loving arms of Jacob-- who's a werewolf-- which is totally, like, an enemy of a vampire!

Q: Who’s in the movie?

A: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Ashley Greene, Anna Kendrick, Jackson Rathbone, Cam Gigandet, Michael Sheen, Peter Facinelli, Rachelle Lefevre, Elizabeth Reaser, Kellan Lutz, Nikki Reed, Dakota Fanning, Chaske Spencer, Billy Burke, Jamie Campbell-Bower, Graham Greene, Edi Gathegi, Cameron Bright, Christopher Heyerdahl, Charlie Bewley, Alex Meraz, Kiowa Gordon, Christian Serratos, Gil Birmingham, Tinsel Korey, Tyson Houseman

Q: Is this movie worth the price of admission?

A: Proceed with Caution. If you are a teenager, definitely. Or, of course, if you are a Cougar who likes looking at young men with their shirts off. And really, who isn't?

Q: Will this movie make me laugh?

A: In true Twilight form, most of the laughs come from the cheesy special effects.

Q: Will this movie make me cry?

A: Only if you wanted to see more of Edward because he’s hardly in this film
(nor was he in the book much).

Q: Will this movie be up for any awards?

A: It's got the Teen Choice awards in the bag... but we knew that before the film even came out.

Q: How is the Acting?

A: Nothing spectacular, but no one is going to worry about what's coming out of those mens' mouths, because they're too busy staring at their shirtless werewolf bods.

Q: How is the Directing?

A: Better than the first film. However, in the book, Bella just heard Edward's voice in her head, whereas in the film, the director made the bad choice of showing him as a floating vision.

Q: How is the story/script?

A: Fairly true to the book. But I found it frustrating that this story
portrays a weak female who gives up on life when her boyfriend breaks up
with her. And she pines over the bad boy who left her, instead of giving
the nice boy a shot. Finally there are times when the story feels like a
classic case of domestic violence. The women (Bella and Sam’s wife) are
hurt by their “monster” men, but love and stay with them despite this. If I
had a daughter, I wouldn’t be thrilled that this kind of story and
characters is one that teenagers love and value. It’s a sad statement on
our society.

Q: Where can I see the trailer?

A: http://www.moviefone.com/movie/the-twilight-saga-new-moon/36045/trailers

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