Vampires Suck

Q: What’s the movie about?

A: Twilight is spoofed, similarly to how Scream was spoofed in Scary Movie.

Q: Who’s in the movie?

A: Jenn Proske, Matt Lanter, Diedrich Bader, Chris Riggi, Anneliese van der Pol, Ken Jeong, B.J. Britt, Arielle Kebbel, David Deluise, Charlie Webber, Michael Hanson, Kelsey Ford, Jun Hee Lee

Q: Is this movie worth the price of admission?

A: Proceed with Caution. You know what you're getting into with this type of broad humor based almost exclusively in pop culture. And if you are going to see this, you should have a solid knowledge of the Twilight Saga going in... which, somehow, I do.

Q: Will this movie make me laugh?

A: What's funny about movies based in pop culture is they're almost too dumb to be blond.

Q: Will this movie make me cry?

A: What's sad about movies based in pop culture is that they feel passé by the time they come out on DVD.

Q: Will this movie be up for any awards?

A: Funniest Song. "My Panties" by Magicwandos. Imagine you're looking at Kristen Stewart in Twilight, and you suddenly hear the lyrics in her head, put to an emo alternative rock tune, "I feel so lonely. Nobody gets me. I. Am. So. Unhappy."

Q: How is the Acting?

A: I am totally not kidding when I say that Jenn Proske turns in one of the most impressive performances of the year. Sure, it's just an impersonation of Kristen Stewart, but the mannerisms, the posture, even the voice are spot on. This is how Anna Faris started her career with the Scary Movie franchise, and I see a future just as bright for this new actress, who has a total of zero credits to her name leading up to this one. It's almost worth seeing the movie just for her.

Q: How is the Directing?

A: From the very first shot I was surprised that this movie didn't look crappier. In fact, for $20million, Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer do a pretty darn good job of making it look exactly like Twilight. In further fact, the directors of the Twilight movies should be ashamed of themselves for needing so much more money to get the same look.

Q: How is the story/script?

A: It's so close to the Twilight story that there are times when you forget that you're watching a spoof. But right when you get comfortable with the idea that you're simply watching a remake with new actors who are imitating the old actors, they throw a joke in your face-- often quite literally.

Q: Is there anything else worth mentioning about the movie?

A: I love it when I get a natural opportunity in my post to write commonly searched words (Twilight) seven times and (Kristen Stewart) thrice... not counting the tags.

Q: Where can I see the trailer?

A: http://www.moviefone.com/movie/vampires-suck/51638/trailers

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The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

Q: What’s the movie about?

A: Bella (Kristen Stewart) still wants to be a vampire. Edward (Robert Pattison) still wants her to marry him. Jacob (Taylor Lautner) still loves her. And Victoria (Bryce Dallas Howard) is coming to eat her.

Q: Who’s in the movie?

A: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Billy Burke, Xavier Samuel, Ashley Greene, Jackson Rathbone, Nikki Reed, Kellan Lutz, Peter Facinelli, Elizabeth Reaser, Bryce Dallas Howard, Dakota Fanning, Anna Kendrick, Michael Welch, Christian Serratos, Justin Chon, Kiowa Gordon, Tyson Houseman, Bronson Pelletier, Alex Meraz, Julia Jones, Tinsel Korey, Chaske Spencer, Gil Birmingham, Alex Rice, BooBoo Stewart, Daniel Cudmore, Cameron Bright, Charlie Bewley, Catalina Sandino, Moreno

Q: Is this movie worth the price of admission?

A: Go! If you overlook the fact that Bella is basically choosing between bestiality and necrophilia, it's a fun, sexually-charged, tantric ride.

Q: Will this movie make me laugh?

A: The threesome scene is pretty funny.

Q: Will this movie make me cry?

A: For sure. But it's the kind of crying that only happens during moments of insane fandom, when you realize that your idol is right there in front of you in 70mm. Think Beatlemania with Twi-hards.

Q: Will this movie be up for any awards?

A: There is something about the way Bella and Edward kiss that makes you wish it were you. I don't know how they do it, but they really do deserve a nomination for Best Kiss. (That's an actual award, Mom.)

Q: How is the Acting?

A: The acting is decent enough in this one, but the characters are really getting annoying. Jacob is a douche for continually trying to convince Bella to love him, right in front of her boyfriend. He comes off delusional and out of his league. Edward is a sap, all he can talk about is marriage and saving sex until after that's done. His love is so unconditional, you start to really wonder what it's based on. And Bella comes off like a whiny brat, always saying, "I don't want you guys putting your lives in danger over little ol' me... But don't let me die, okay?"

Q: How is the Directing?

A: More than one scene was blurry, and the filmic style has definitely gotten less gritty since Catherine Hardwicke left the picture. On the flip side, the latest director, David Slade, seems to have brought out a slightly deeper level of acting from his stars. Rumor has it, Billy Burke (the dad) and Peter Facinelli (the vampire dad) ended up having to take over the acting-coaching responsibilities before this director came along.

Q: How is the story/script?

A: It's a nice touch that this episode gives us some of their origin stories. We learn about Rosalie's background and how she became a vampire and what era she lived in, as well as Jasper's history, era, and conversion days. Most interesting perhaps, though, is the brief history of the Indian tribe's bloody past, and how they came to hate vampires. In other scripting news, I still haven't figured out why Edward and Jacob are fighting over Bella. What's she got? I mean, aside from being a good kisser.

Q: Is there anything else worth mentioning about the movie?

A: Rob Pattinson gets a pretty bad rap for constantly complaining about all the fanatical girls screaming in his presence. Well, I went to the Premiere last night, and I have to say, the insanity of the energy (and screaming and fainting) that occurred when he walked in, gave me a lot more sympathy for what he's dealing with on a daily basis. He could hardly get to his seat, despite more security than the Commander in Chief. His fans are not only crazy, they're animalistic. Then again, their presence in the screening added a wonderful je ne sais quoi to the whole viewing experience. Especially during the sexy scenes, when they literally freaked out screaming at the screen, as if Rob Pattinson and Kristen Stewart weren't in the room, too. It must have been very uncomfortable for them.

Q: Where can I see the trailer?

A: http://www.moviefone.com/movie/the-twilight-saga-eclipse/36837/trailers

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The Twilight Saga: New Moon

(Guest Review by Kacy)

Q: What’s the movie about?

A: Vampires, Werewolves and teen angst. Oh my God-- can you believe Edward actually dumps Bella?! I mean his reasons are good, but still! And then her only choice is to fall into the loving arms of Jacob-- who's a werewolf-- which is totally, like, an enemy of a vampire!

Q: Who’s in the movie?

A: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Ashley Greene, Anna Kendrick, Jackson Rathbone, Cam Gigandet, Michael Sheen, Peter Facinelli, Rachelle Lefevre, Elizabeth Reaser, Kellan Lutz, Nikki Reed, Dakota Fanning, Chaske Spencer, Billy Burke, Jamie Campbell-Bower, Graham Greene, Edi Gathegi, Cameron Bright, Christopher Heyerdahl, Charlie Bewley, Alex Meraz, Kiowa Gordon, Christian Serratos, Gil Birmingham, Tinsel Korey, Tyson Houseman

Q: Is this movie worth the price of admission?

A: Proceed with Caution. If you are a teenager, definitely. Or, of course, if you are a Cougar who likes looking at young men with their shirts off. And really, who isn't?

Q: Will this movie make me laugh?

A: In true Twilight form, most of the laughs come from the cheesy special effects.

Q: Will this movie make me cry?

A: Only if you wanted to see more of Edward because he’s hardly in this film
(nor was he in the book much).

Q: Will this movie be up for any awards?

A: It's got the Teen Choice awards in the bag... but we knew that before the film even came out.

Q: How is the Acting?

A: Nothing spectacular, but no one is going to worry about what's coming out of those mens' mouths, because they're too busy staring at their shirtless werewolf bods.

Q: How is the Directing?

A: Better than the first film. However, in the book, Bella just heard Edward's voice in her head, whereas in the film, the director made the bad choice of showing him as a floating vision.

Q: How is the story/script?

A: Fairly true to the book. But I found it frustrating that this story
portrays a weak female who gives up on life when her boyfriend breaks up
with her. And she pines over the bad boy who left her, instead of giving
the nice boy a shot. Finally there are times when the story feels like a
classic case of domestic violence. The women (Bella and Sam’s wife) are
hurt by their “monster” men, but love and stay with them despite this. If I
had a daughter, I wouldn’t be thrilled that this kind of story and
characters is one that teenagers love and value. It’s a sad statement on
our society.

Q: Where can I see the trailer?

A: http://www.moviefone.com/movie/the-twilight-saga-new-moon/36045/trailers

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Twilight

(Guest Review by Russ)

Q: What’s the movie about?

A: A teenage girl moves from her Phoenix home to the small town of Forks in the Pacific Northwest where she meets and falls in love with a vampire. Problems ensue.

Q: Who’s in the movie?

A: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Billy Burke, Ashley Greene, Nikki Reed, Michael Welch, Jackson Rathbone, Kellan Lutz, Peter Facinelli, Cam Giganet, Taylor Lautner, Anna Kendrick, Justin Chon, Elizabeth Reaser, Rachelle Lefevre, Edi Gathegi

Q: Is this movie worth the price of admission?

A: Go! I know what you're thinking, "Isn’t this that cheesy vampire movie based on that cheesy teen girl book? You’re telling me to go? Really?" Yeah, really, especially since the film is better than the book and it’s an all-around entertaining night at the movies whether you’re a teen girl or not (I am not).

Q: Will this movie make me laugh?

A: Everyone knows there’s nothing funnier than deadpan vampire-humor. Plus, Robert Pattinson (as Edward) displays uncanny comic timing as he gets off some good lines that are (purposely) funny in their absurdity.

Q: Will this movie make me cry?

A: Probably not. Unless you’re a girl. And 15. And in love with the hottie at school who may or may not be a vampire but nevertheless is very cool.

Q: Will this movie be up for any awards?

A: It'll sweep MTV and the Teen Choice Awards, but do those buy it any credibility?

Q: How is the Acting?

A: Anyone who has read the bestselling book knows it’s all about the teenage protagonists Bella and Edward, and boy do Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson deliver on these characters. They are one of the primary reasons the film surpasses the book, as both take material that could have been 100% camp and 100% crap and make it all work beautifully. Pattinson brings out all facets of the angsty and menacing sides of his 80 year-old vampire and Stewart deftly keeps her Bella from becoming a trite and shallow teen girl by conveying intelligence and grace. Their chemistry together works on every level and that is everything for a film like this. If you want to see a great example of two young, gifted actors raising the level of the material they’re in, then Twilight is worth seeing for that reason alone.

Q: How is the Directing?

A: It all works and moves along at a brisk pace and Catherine Hardwicke shows off the beauty of the Pacific Northwest with plenty of stunning panoramic helicopter shots that keep the film grounded in a strong sense of place. She also gets credit for finding just the right overall tone for the film that gives it the gravity it should have, yet retains a sly sense of humor about it. One only wishes she had been given a bigger budget to make some of the effects and Spider-Man like climbing scenes look better and more believable. (Edward’s skin in sunlight = cheesy sparkling effect,) After this film makes a gazillion dollars, I’m sure Hardwicke will have that budget for the sequel.

Q: How is the story/script?

A: Melissa Rosenberg does a great job adapting Stephanie Meyer’s much-beloved book. Having read the novel recently, I can say that she collapses and condenses much of the repetitive dialogue down to its essence which makes for a more tolerable story that plays better to a wider audience. And judging from the 200 or so screaming teen girls that were in the theater when I saw it, she was also able to satisfy their demand for staying true to the plot and characters of the book. Good work Melissa, here’s hoping you’re hired to write the coming sequels! (There are 4 books in the series.)

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