Bad Teacher

Q: What’s the movie about?

A: A gold-digger (Cameron Diaz) resentfully moonlights as a teacher, hating her job, students, co-workers, and basically anyone who doesn’t have money that she might be able to manipulate out of them.

Q: Who’s in the movie?

A: Cameron Diaz, Justin Timberlake, Lucy Punch, Jason Segel, Phyllis Smith, John Michael Higgins, Matthew J. Evans, Kaitlyn Dever, Kathryn Newton, Jillian Armenante, Igal Ben Yair

Q: Is this movie worth the price of admission?

A: Proceed with Caution. Not boring or hard to watch, but if my description of the movie sounds like it doesn’t include a plot, well…

Q: Will this movie make me laugh?

A: Jason Segel has most of the good lines.

Q: Will this movie make me cry?

A: When I think that this crappy teacher, with a little financial motivation, ends up being about 100 times more efficient than the majority of teachers in the public schools, yeah, it makes me a little weepy... Then again, this movie has less than nothing to do with real life, so why even compare the two.

Q: Will this movie be up for any awards?

A: Most Desirous of the Audience Noticing that the Teacher was Not Good, but "BAD." I first noticed the strong desire to get this across when in the the opening titles, they underlined the word "Bad" three times, and then circled it twice (just in case we hadn't noticed it yet.) So of course I had to ask myself why this was so important to them, and I think I figured it out. I have concluded that naming this movie "Bad Teacher" (instead of "Whore Teacher"-- which would've been a thousand times more apt), was done in an effort to create a genre based around a similar but great movie called, Bad Santa. You see in both movies, a protagonist with a drinking problem is placed in a job that involves dealing with innocent children, where the professional is expected to be sweet, but instead is an asshole-- and therefore funny. Get it? I know you do. So as a FREE GIFT from reading my blog, here are some marketable ideas that you might want to write in this genre: Bad Camp Counselor, Bad Pediatrician, and Bad Tooth-Fairy (the list of possibilities is endless). You're welcome.

Q: How is the Acting?

A: Cameron Diaz is convincingly unlikeable, and Justin Timberlake is completely miscast in the role of a naïve, easily manipulated, sensitive nerd. He is so incredibly miscast, in fact, that no amount of acting could have saved his performance. This role is simply custom-made to be played by not him. And by “not him,” I mean, Jack McBrayer of 30 Rock.

Q: How is the Directing?

A: I tend to want to blame the director for casting Justin Timberlake in a role so ill-suited to him, and thereby causing the movie to be even more stupid than it already is... But, considering all the press about how Cameron Diaz lobbied for her ex to have this role, I tend to think that Jake Kasdan's hands were tied. After all, she’s the big star, and his job is to make sure she doesn’t walk, thereby causing his movie to never get made at all.

Q: How is the story/script?

A: Most of the elements of the school, the teacher-student relationships, the parent-teacher relationships, the teacher-teacher and principal-teacher relationships are as unlikely as a woman who looks like Cameron Diaz and acts like a transparent bitch ever getting hired for a job around pubescent children. But the most offensive and blatant problem with the script is the resolution, where the character turns around her whole attitude because I have no idea why.

Q: Where can I see the trailer?

A: Bad Teacher Trailer

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Your Highness

Q: What’s the movie about?

A: Two princes, one noble (James Franco) and one a slacker (Danny McBride), go on a quest to save a fair maiden (Zooey Deschanel) from an evil wizard (Justin Theroux), who plans to take over the world with the power he will gain by de-virginizing/raping her when the two moons meet.

Q: Who’s in the movie?

A: Danny McBride, James Franco, Rasmus Hardiker, Natalie Portman, Zooey Deschanel, Justin Theroux, Toby Jones, Damian Lewis, Charles Dance

Q: Is this movie worth the price of admission?

A: Stop! I read a speculative headline today that asked, "Did Your Highness' box office suffer because James Franco bombed at the Oscars?" The writer of this article obviously has not seen this movie, or he would know that the reason this movie suffers is because it's very ill. By which I mean sick. By which I mean awful. But it may actually be so bad that it's good.

Q: Will this movie make me laugh?

A: Not at first, but after a while, when you get past the shock and denial of how terrible all of it is, you may start to giggle that this is actually happening. You are actually watching this. You actually spent money on the ticket. And they actually just said that.

Q: Will this movie make me cry?

A: "Disturb" is a more accurate description of the emotion it elicits.

Q: Will this movie be up for any awards?

A: They get the I Beat the MPAA Award. How they avoided an NC17 rating with the extended full frontal shots of a Minotaur's boner, is beyond me.

Q: How is the Acting?

A: Natalie Portman's presence in this film reminds me of that time when Sandra Bullock won the Oscar and the Razzie in the same day. Only difference is Natalie is so good in this atrocity that it really makes you wonder if when she signed up to be in it, she wasn't convinced that anyone was actually going to like Black Swan.

Q: How is the Directing?

A: If you want to think David Gordon Green is a good director, you should see Pineapple Express. If you want to think he's a crappy director, you should see this.

Q: How is the story/script?

A: This is one of the scripts where you know it was hatched because a bunch of guys were sitting around, probably getting loaded, and throwing out hilarious "What ifs." The conversation most likely went something like this: "What if you were on a quest, and when you got to the wise man he was a freaky looking alien?" "Yeah! And what if he were a perv, too, who makes you blow him for information." "That's hilarious! And what if he had molested you, when you were young, but you don't realize it, cuz when kids get molested, they don't know that there's anything wrong with it." Crickets.... "That's really weird... We should definitely put that in!" The thing is, some what ifs make good movies and some what ifs make funny conversations that you should never admit to having been a part of.

Q: Where can I see the trailer?

A: Your Highness Trailer

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Super

Q: What’s the movie about?

A: A man's (Rainn Wilson) wife (Liv Tyler) leaves him for a drug kingpin (Kevin Bacon), and convinced that she was kidnapped, and didn't leave voluntarily, he decides to become a superhero, donning a costume and going after bad guys, until he is ready to go after the kingpin who stole his wife.

Q: Who’s in the movie?

A: Rainn Wilson, Ellen Page, Liv Tyler, Kevin Bacon, Gregg Henry, Michael Rooker, Andre Royo, Sean Gunn, Stephen Blackehart, Don Mac, Linda Cardellini, Nathan Fillion

Q: Is this movie worth the price of admission?

A: Stop! Go see Kick-Ass instead.

Q: Will this movie make me laugh?

A: If you are sick and twisted... but not in the good way.

Q: Will this movie make me cry?

A: I felt sad for them that they came out after Kick-Ass. I also felt sad for all the A-list actors who signed up to be in a film so amateurish.

Q: Will this movie be up for any awards?

A: There are a handful of nerds who will shower this with blogger awards because the character is so pathetic, he will make anybody feel better about themselves.

Q: How is the Acting?

A: I have honestly never seen Ellen Page or Kevin Bacon do anything I didn't like... until now.

Q: How is the Directing?

A: James Gunn should invest in a cinematographer. The whole thing looks like it was made for twenty bucks. And the wanna-be Scott Pilgrim vs. the World graphics have already been done in Scott Pilgrim vs. the World.

Q: How is the story/script?

A: Dark, dark, dark comedy. This is the first time I've truly contemplated the age old question of whether superheroes are actually the bad guys posing as good guys. In this story the heroes show no remorse about killing anybody, and in fact, often take great pleasure in it.

Q: Is there anything else worth mentioning about the movie?

A: I went to pre-school with a guy named Super, and he was weird, too.

Q: Where can I see the trailer?

A: Super Trailer

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Paul

Q: What’s the movie about?

A: A couple of English nerds (Simon Pegg & Nick Frost), who are in America for Comic Con, encounter an Alien named Paul (Seth Rogen), who is on the run from Area 51, and then, the English guys decide that it would be a good idea to help Paul get back home.

Q: Who’s in the movie?

A: Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, Seth Rogen, Kristen Wiig, Jason Bateman, Bill Hader, Jo Lo Truglio, Sigourney Weaver, John Carroll Lynch, Jane Lynch, Blythe Danner, David Koechner, Jesse Plemons, Jeffrey Tambor, Steven Spielberg (on the phone)

Q: Is this movie worth the price of admission?

A: Go! Don't let the slow start scare you, once it gets going, you won't want it to ever stop.

Q: Will this movie make me laugh?

A: I went for the Hot Fuzz duo, but I stayed for the funny alien.

Q: Will this movie make me cry?

A: No, but if you have strong religious beliefs, it's probably going to piss you off.

Q: Will this movie be up for any awards?

A: Comedy Central is finally putting together the Comedy Awards, in order to compete with the Tragedy Awards, also known as the Oscars, and so far, Paul is the front-runner to sweep the new show.

Q: How is the Acting?

A: Turns out, I'm not sick of Seth Rogen, after all.

Q: How is the Directing?

A: Greg Mottola is lucky that he's friends with more talented writers than himself, because when given a good script, his work is not half bad.

Q: How is the story/script?

A: Great for nerds because they will be able to pick out references to every sci-fi film and TV series ever made. And great for everybody else because they will be able to laugh at how lame it is to be so nerdy that you can recognize references to every sci-fi film and TV series ever made.

Q: Where can I see the trailer?

A: Paul Trailer

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Role Models

Q: What’s the movie about?

A: A couple of energy drink promoters (Seann William Scott & Paul Rudd) have a very bad day that leads to them getting in trouble with the law. Now they have to choose between jail time and community service as “Big Brothers” to children in need. They go for the kids.

Q: Who’s in the movie?

A: Seann William Scott, Paul Rudd, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Bobb’e J. Thompson, Elizabeth Banks, Jane Lynch, Kerri Kenney, Ken Marino, A.D. Miles, Ken Jeong, Nicole Randall Johnson

Q: Is this movie worth the price of admission?

A: Go! It’s a good reminder of how when you’re feeling down, spending quality time with even the worst of kids will raise your spirits back up. And even though the movie isn’t nearly as deep as that sentence, it’ll still make you laugh. A lot.

Q: Will this movie make me laugh?

A: Only if you’re open to that sort of thing. And I’d like to give the movie credit for not trying to steal laughs by having anyone walk into a wall, fart, or get bit by an animal.

Q: Will this movie make me cry?

A: It’s not that good.

Q: Will this movie be up for any awards?

A: Like I said, it’s not that good.

Q: How is the Acting?

A: The casting is perfect. Seann William Scott gives one of his most grounded comedic performances to date (see Road Trip and American Pie 3 for examples of him not being grounded.) Jane Lynch’s schtick is put to perfect use in the role of an ex-coke addict turned do-gooder... kind of. Kerri Kenney expands nicely on the talent she’s established in Reno 911. And 12-year-old Bobb’e J. Thompson is so natural spouting out swear-words that you almost wonder if he was weaned on them instead of milk.

Q: How is the Directing?

A: David Wain has really made great strides since Wet Hot American Summer.

Q: How is the story/script?

A: Mostly it’s a good time. Emotionally it could be a little deeper, both in the beginning of the second act and in the beginning of the third act. But the funny is there.

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