Bad Teacher

Q: What’s the movie about?

A: A gold-digger (Cameron Diaz) resentfully moonlights as a teacher, hating her job, students, co-workers, and basically anyone who doesn’t have money that she might be able to manipulate out of them.

Q: Who’s in the movie?

A: Cameron Diaz, Justin Timberlake, Lucy Punch, Jason Segel, Phyllis Smith, John Michael Higgins, Matthew J. Evans, Kaitlyn Dever, Kathryn Newton, Jillian Armenante, Igal Ben Yair

Q: Is this movie worth the price of admission?

A: Proceed with Caution. Not boring or hard to watch, but if my description of the movie sounds like it doesn’t include a plot, well…

Q: Will this movie make me laugh?

A: Jason Segel has most of the good lines.

Q: Will this movie make me cry?

A: When I think that this crappy teacher, with a little financial motivation, ends up being about 100 times more efficient than the majority of teachers in the public schools, yeah, it makes me a little weepy... Then again, this movie has less than nothing to do with real life, so why even compare the two.

Q: Will this movie be up for any awards?

A: Most Desirous of the Audience Noticing that the Teacher was Not Good, but "BAD." I first noticed the strong desire to get this across when in the the opening titles, they underlined the word "Bad" three times, and then circled it twice (just in case we hadn't noticed it yet.) So of course I had to ask myself why this was so important to them, and I think I figured it out. I have concluded that naming this movie "Bad Teacher" (instead of "Whore Teacher"-- which would've been a thousand times more apt), was done in an effort to create a genre based around a similar but great movie called, Bad Santa. You see in both movies, a protagonist with a drinking problem is placed in a job that involves dealing with innocent children, where the professional is expected to be sweet, but instead is an asshole-- and therefore funny. Get it? I know you do. So as a FREE GIFT from reading my blog, here are some marketable ideas that you might want to write in this genre: Bad Camp Counselor, Bad Pediatrician, and Bad Tooth-Fairy (the list of possibilities is endless). You're welcome.

Q: How is the Acting?

A: Cameron Diaz is convincingly unlikeable, and Justin Timberlake is completely miscast in the role of a naïve, easily manipulated, sensitive nerd. He is so incredibly miscast, in fact, that no amount of acting could have saved his performance. This role is simply custom-made to be played by not him. And by “not him,” I mean, Jack McBrayer of 30 Rock.

Q: How is the Directing?

A: I tend to want to blame the director for casting Justin Timberlake in a role so ill-suited to him, and thereby causing the movie to be even more stupid than it already is... But, considering all the press about how Cameron Diaz lobbied for her ex to have this role, I tend to think that Jake Kasdan's hands were tied. After all, she’s the big star, and his job is to make sure she doesn’t walk, thereby causing his movie to never get made at all.

Q: How is the story/script?

A: Most of the elements of the school, the teacher-student relationships, the parent-teacher relationships, the teacher-teacher and principal-teacher relationships are as unlikely as a woman who looks like Cameron Diaz and acts like a transparent bitch ever getting hired for a job around pubescent children. But the most offensive and blatant problem with the script is the resolution, where the character turns around her whole attitude because I have no idea why.

Q: Where can I see the trailer?

A: Bad Teacher Trailer

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Elektra Luxx

Q: What’s the movie about?

A: Retired porn star, Elektra Luxx (Carla Gugino), is pregnant, and getting sucked into all sorts of other people's problems due to the mistaken assumption that she will have sex with anyone.

Q: Who’s in the movie?

A: Carla Gugino, Adrianne Palicki, Emmanuelle Chriqui, Marley Shelton, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Timothy Olyphant, Malin Akerman, Vincent Kartheiser, Justin Kirk, Kathleen Quinlan, Amy Rosoff, Lucy Punch, Matt Gerald, Isabella Gutierrez, Julianne Moore

Q: Is this movie worth the price of admission?

A: Proceed with Caution. Despite making fun of porn movies, this film has very little plot.

Q: Will this movie make me laugh?

A: It's meant to be a comedy, and a lot of times it is.

Q: Will this movie make me cry?

A: It doesn't make you feel that much, but for me there's always an underlying sadness about what terrible things must've happened to these women to drive them into the sex trade. And it gets a little sadder when they start to want to be treated just like everybody else.

Q: Will this movie be up for any awards?

A: Most Subtle Sequel. It's not being billed as a sequel to 2009's Women in Trouble (which I did not see, and had never heard of until I looked up some of the actors from this film on imdb and realized they'd played characters with the same names before), but the two films have 6 characters and a writer-director in common. Hmm. Has anyone else seen or heard of Women in Trouble?

Q: How is the Acting?

A: There's a lot of hype around Adrianne Palicki getting cast as TV's new Wonder Woman. I had no idea who she was before I saw this movie, and was surprised to see that my favorite performance in the film was the very person all the hype has been about. On a sadder note, I fell asleep during a scene between two actors that I absolutely love, Malin Akerman and my future cougar bait, Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Yes, it was because the scene was boring.

Q: How is the Directing?

A: Sebastian Gutierrez, who is this guy? His most notable credit is as the writer of Snakes on a Plane, and I have to assume that movie made him rich because he's found a way to write, direct, and produce a trilogy of films about this particular set of invented porn stars, back to back to back. Yes, he's already got a script in the works for the threequel, and I can't imagine any financier, besides himself, who would have gotten on board for more than one of this series.

Q: How is the story/script?

A: There are several vaguely intertwining stories, and I only cared about the title character, Elektra Luxx. Because of the cutaways to all the side characters' stories, we are taken away from what she is supposed to be going through, which frankly isn't very deep or realistic to begin with. On the plus side, the dialogue is cute and sometimes even clever to the point that some of the people in my audience were still laughing as they walked back to the parking garage. I imagine this is because they saw the prequel.

Q: Where can I see the trailer?

A: Elektra Luxx Trailer

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Take Me Home Tonight

Q: What’s the movie about?

A: In this wannabe John Hughes movie, which takes place in the 80s for no apparent reason, besides that it wants to be a John Hughes movie, a recent college grad (Topher Grace), who has lost his way, goes to a party to try to hook up with his high school crush (Teresa Palmer).

Q: Who’s in the movie?

A: Topher Grace, Teresa Palmer, Dan Fogel, Anna Faris, Chris Pratt, Michelle Trachtenberg, Lucy Punch, Michael Biehn, Angie Everhart, Nathalie Kelley, Michael Ian Black, Robert Hoffman, Candace Kroslak, Seth Gabel

Q: Is this movie worth the price of admission?

A: Proceed with Caution. We all wanna be John Hughes, but we’re not.

Q: Will this movie make me laugh?

A: Just as stories of parents reconnecting with their children always make me cry, dance sequences always make me laugh. And based on my experience with this movie, they don’t even have to be that good.

Q: Will this movie make me cry?

A: Not in the slightest, but one of the crying scenes is one of the biggest laughs.

Q: Will this movie be up for any awards?

A: 2nd Best 80s movie I’ve seen in the past year. Hot Tub Time Machine is better, but the fact that there are two 80s movies in one year is still really impressive.

Q: How is the Acting?

A: I love Topher Grace. I would marry him. But I never bought the premise that he was ever a nerd. Even in high school. I also love Anna Faris. And while I wouldn’t marry her, (mostly because it’s still vaguely illegal), I really wish she would put less collagen in her lips because it distracts me from her beautiful acting.

Q: How is the Directing?

A: The whole movie is trying way too hard to be That 80's Party Movie. And when people try too hard, sometimes all you see is how hard they're trying.

Q: How is the story/script?

A: It’s like Sixteen Candles, but instead of a girl pining over a guy, it’s a guy pining over a girl, and instead of taking place in high school, it takes place after college, in a world where college grads still care what the people from high school think of them.

Q: Is there anything else worth mentioning about the movie?

A: The parts are better than the whole, but ultimately, most of the parts seems like an excuse for the 80s soundtrack.

Q: Where can I see the trailer?

A: Take Me Home Tonight Trailer

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Hall Pass

Q: What’s the movie about?

A: A couple of married men (Owen Wilson & Jason Sudeikis) get a week off from their marriages to do whatever they want.

Q: Who’s in the movie?

A: Owen Wilson, Jason Sudeikis, Jenna Fischer, Christina Applegate, Nicky Whelan, Richard Jenkins, Stephen Merchant, Larry Joe Campbell, J.B. Smoove, Bruce Thomas, Tyler Hoechlin, Alexandra Daddario, Derek Waters, Rob Moran, Lauren Bowles, Joy Behar, Kristin Carey, Alyssa Milano, Andrew Wilson

Q: Is this movie worth the price of admission?

A: Proceed with Caution. I really could have liked it if it didn't make me feel so depressed about both monogamy and old age-- and by "old age," I mean 30s and 40s. Thank you, Hollywood!

Q: Will this movie make me laugh?

A: There is this penis...

Q: Will this movie make me cry?

A: There's this other penis...

Q: Will this movie be up for any awards?

A: There are those penises...

Q: How is the Acting?

A: I miss thinking that Owen Wilson and Jason Sudeikis are either cute or funny...

Q: How is the Directing?

A: The hardest part about judging a directing team is that I'll never know which one of the Farrellys came up with the explosive fart splattering on the wall scene. I guess that's how they protect themselves from having to admit that at the respective ages of 52 and 54, their humor hasn't evolved at all since they were respectively 12 and 14. Hey, if I put that joke on film, I'd point the finger at the other guy, too.

Q: How is the story/script?

A: Congratulations to all four of them for getting this impossible hypothetical fantasy made.

Q: Where can I see the trailer?

A: Hall Pass Trailer

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Somewhere

Q: What’s the movie about?

A: A movie star (Stephen Dorff) is forced to spend an extended period of time with his 11-year-old daughter (Elle Fanning), and in the process comes face to face with the emptiness of his rich and famous life.

Q: Who’s in the movie?

A: Stephen Dorff, Elle Fanning, Chris Pontius, Kristina Shannon, Karissa Shannon, Lala Sloatman, Laura Chiatti, Nunzio Alfredo 'Pupi' D'Angieri, Michelle Monaghan, Giorgia Surina, Randa Walker

Q: Is this movie worth the price of admission?

A: Go! Intellectual people will love this film for saying so much without saying anything at all. And all the rest of you should see it anyway, because it honestly depicts the loneliness of celebrity, in a real way that will help you run screaming away from your dreams of fame and fortune, while thanking your lucky stars for your anonymity, your closeness to your family, and the joys that come with having to work to get laid.

Q: Will this movie make me laugh?

A: Did you find Lost in Translation funny? Because this is the same story, different hotel... It makes you wonder if Francis Ford Coppola's daughter has any gripes about her childhood that she's trying to get off her chest. I don't know about you, but I'm starting to think she doesn't like staying in hotels very much.

Q: Will this movie make me cry?

A: Not out loud, unless you're a rich, famous, guy who has to drug himself with prescriptions and alcohol, because he's so bored about being able to afford anything he wants at any moment, and get laid by anyone he wants at any moment, regardless of whether or not he's taken a shower anytime within the last calendar year.

Q: Will this movie be up for any awards?

A: It's won a couple of gimme awards, that seem to only exist for the purpose of giving someone an award because you feel like it, even though you can't think of anything to award that person for... The funny thing is, if it had been nominated for directing or cinematography in the Independent Spirit Awards, this year, I might just have voted for it. For reals.

Q: How is the Acting?

A: Elle Fanning is getting to that age where she's going to start being compared to her uber-talented sister, Dakota, so let me be the first to annoy them by doing so. And the verdict is.... it's a toss up. They're like comparing apples to apples, where one of the apples is a few years older than the other apple, but aside from that, the apples are completely indistinguishable. Stephen Dorff also does a great job of playing what I imagine is a richer and more famous version of himself.

Q: How is the Directing?

A: I have seen all of Sofia Coppola's movies, and generally find them to fall somewhere between middling and downright awful. But with this one, for the first time, she managed to suck me in, hold my attention, and build my ability to patiently wait out the silent meaning of each slow, stagnant shot. Weird. She must've done something right.

Q: How is the story/script?

A: There are probably about 11 lines of dialogue in the whole thing, and frankly, that may be this film's genius. I imagine the script was about 20 pages long, since almost nothing describable happens in it either. Yet somehow the quiet alienation of this glamor lifestyle is deeply compelling. My only complaint is the open-ended ending, which makes you want to like this movie less than you actually did.

Q: Is there anything else worth mentioning about the movie?

A: I once spent a weekend living at the Chateau Marmont. And despite my excitement about the glamorous premiere I was attending, where I would-- and did-- hob-nob with celebrities, the Chateau is the kind of place that makes you want to take drugs to the point of overdose. It's cold, the furniture is stiff and uncomfortable, and there are rumors of ghosts living there, including that of John Belushi, who actually did overdose to the point of death, in that hotel. While, in my opinion, ghosts are the only suitable inhabitants for the place, it should come as no surprise that Tim Burton has also spent many years of his life renting out the penthouse. See any one of Burton's movies if you want to better understand the state of mind that the energy in this haunted castle will drive you to.

Q: Where can I see the trailer?

A: Somewhere Trailer

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Blue Valentine

Q: What’s the movie about?

A: The two halves of a married couple (Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams) reminisce about how great their relationship used to be, as it quietly falls apart.

Q: Who’s in the movie?

A: Ryan Gosling, Michelle Williams, Mike Vogel, John Doman, Ben Shenkman, Faith Wladyka, Jen Jones

Q: Is this movie worth the price of admission?

A: Proceed with Caution. If you've ever been in a marriage, you probably already know how this one goes. And if you haven't ever been in a marriage, it's probably because you think this is how it will go.

Q: Will this movie make me laugh?

A: They go to a motel for a sexy weekend and book the "Future Room," which is about the most depressingly funny place to try to make romance that I've ever seen.

Q: Will this movie make me cry?

A: The great thing about not being in a marriage is that you don't have to cry about how lonely it's making you feel. Hey, I'm not the one writing these movies. I'm just picking up what they're dishing out!

Q: Will this movie be up for any awards?

A: Michelle Williams is up for an Independent Spirit Awards, but Ryan Gosling is the one who would've had a chance of winning.

Q: How is the Acting?

A: The performances are the main reason to see this film. Both Gosling and Williams show complexity and depth as they display their youthful joie-de-vivre in the scenes when they first meet and fall in love, and contrast that with their tired, worn-down married sides, in all the rest.

Q: How is the Directing?

A: It almost looks like they shot on film and then tried to make it look like poor quality video. That seems a little moronic to me, but the only other possibility is that they shot on video and then used special effects to make the "print" look scratched. Which, I'm sorry, is equally moronic.

Q: How is the story/script?

A: The story somehow manages to hold your attention despite the nagging feeling that it won't ever amount to anything more than one random couple's rise and fall from love. Which it doesn't.

Q: Where can I see the trailer?

Blue Valentine Trailer

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Hugh Hefner: Playboy, Activist and Rebel

Q: What’s the movie about?

A: Hugh Hefner has lived through the Great Depression, a World War, two east-Asian wars, two gulf wars, the sexual revolution, the civil rights movement, and the invention of plastic surgery, and I'm pretty sure he had a hand in all of it.

Q: Who’s in the movie?

A: A bunch of bunnies, a bunch of horn dogs, some old-timey famous folks, and George Lucas.

Q: Is this movie worth the price of admission?

A: Proceed with Caution. It's interesting to learn that before Hef hung out with gaggles of indistinguishable fake-boobed blonds, young enough to be his grand-daughters, he was an activist who made strides in racial rights and even (supposedly) in some aspects of women's rights, but it's hard to reconcile with the fact that he seems incapable of seeing how his work exploits women.

Q: Will this movie make me laugh?

A: Here's something funny: Hef doesn't understand why some people call his magazines pornography. So just to be clear, I looked up the definition on Merriam-Webster, which says, "the depiction of erotic behavior (as in pictures or writing) intended to cause sexual excitement." And then, next to it, there was a picture of Marilyn Monroe on the cover of the first edition of Playboy.

Q: Will this movie make me cry?

A: Dr. Ruth says it best when she pin-points the sad truth about why Hef won't be remembered for the relevant and important impact he had on making the world a more just and fair place for women and minorities. She explains that he made the mistake of mixing up his personal life with his professional life, and now no one can take him seriously, because all anyone associates with him is the fact that he's dating between three and seven women at once, all of which only love him for his money. (I admit, I added that last bit.)

Q: Will this movie be up for any awards?

A: You are not gonna believe this, but it won the Hugh M. Hefner First Amendment Award for free speech!... Okay, it hasn't won it yet, but since Hef gives it out, don't you think it's got a good chance?

Q: How is the Acting?

A: Before he got all old and creepy, Hugh Hefner was actually a much more attractive and fascinating man than I care to admit. Yeah, I would've done him.

Q: How is the Directing?

A: I know Hugh Hefner is almost 200 years old, but the movie about his life didn't need to be in real time. Over 2 hours for any film is a mistake, but over 2 hours for a documentary about one person shows a lack of restraint that borders on unprofessional. I'm thinking the director is a hoarder.

Q: How is the story/script?

A: Provocative, but it feels like a bit of propaganda to me. Hef has a line where he says that he still picks every centerfold and every cover, and edits all the cartoons and articles... well I've got a feeling that director, Brigitte Berman, only gained this kind of access because she gave Hef final cut on how he would be represented in his final impressions, too.

Q: Is there anything else worth mentioning about the movie?

A: Boobies!

Q: Where can I see the trailer?

A: http://www.moviefone.com/movie/hugh-hefner-playboy-activist-and-rebel/10011272/trailers

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Role Models

Q: What’s the movie about?

A: A couple of energy drink promoters (Seann William Scott & Paul Rudd) have a very bad day that leads to them getting in trouble with the law. Now they have to choose between jail time and community service as “Big Brothers” to children in need. They go for the kids.

Q: Who’s in the movie?

A: Seann William Scott, Paul Rudd, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Bobb’e J. Thompson, Elizabeth Banks, Jane Lynch, Kerri Kenney, Ken Marino, A.D. Miles, Ken Jeong, Nicole Randall Johnson

Q: Is this movie worth the price of admission?

A: Go! It’s a good reminder of how when you’re feeling down, spending quality time with even the worst of kids will raise your spirits back up. And even though the movie isn’t nearly as deep as that sentence, it’ll still make you laugh. A lot.

Q: Will this movie make me laugh?

A: Only if you’re open to that sort of thing. And I’d like to give the movie credit for not trying to steal laughs by having anyone walk into a wall, fart, or get bit by an animal.

Q: Will this movie make me cry?

A: It’s not that good.

Q: Will this movie be up for any awards?

A: Like I said, it’s not that good.

Q: How is the Acting?

A: The casting is perfect. Seann William Scott gives one of his most grounded comedic performances to date (see Road Trip and American Pie 3 for examples of him not being grounded.) Jane Lynch’s schtick is put to perfect use in the role of an ex-coke addict turned do-gooder... kind of. Kerri Kenney expands nicely on the talent she’s established in Reno 911. And 12-year-old Bobb’e J. Thompson is so natural spouting out swear-words that you almost wonder if he was weaned on them instead of milk.

Q: How is the Directing?

A: David Wain has really made great strides since Wet Hot American Summer.

Q: How is the story/script?

A: Mostly it’s a good time. Emotionally it could be a little deeper, both in the beginning of the second act and in the beginning of the third act. But the funny is there.

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