Transformers: Dark of the Moon

(Guest Review by Russ)

Q: What’s the movie about?

A: Some big alien robots fight other alien robots; audience loses.

Q: Who’s in the movie?

A: Shia LaBeouf, Josh Duhamel, Rosie Huntington Whiteley, John Turturro, Tyrese Gibson, Patrick Dempsey, Frances McDormand, John Malkovich, Ken Jeong, Bill O'Reilly

Q: Is this movie worth the price of admission?

A: Stop! Even if you're a fan of this film trilogy, or the old animated show, or Michael Bay or... uh, anyway, seriously, you have to be missing your entire brain to enjoy this mess. The answer to this question has never been more definitive: no.

Q: Will this movie make me laugh?

A: Based on the weird performances of LaBeouf, Turturro, Malkovich and McDormand I'm going to guess that the movie is supposed to be funny. Instead, it's just sad.

Q: Will this movie make me cry?

A: You'll be too bored to cry. And besides, for this movie to elicit any emotion in you would be giving it way too much credit.

Q: Will this movie be up for any awards?

A: Most Boring Film Ever Made In The History of Cinema. This plastic bag filled with my friend Roy's dog's poop goes to: Transformers: Dark of the Moon. (Even the title is dumb.)

Q: How is the Acting?

A: For John Malkovich this is just another weird performance. Unfortunately his weird performances don't have the same effect in a non-weird movie. But if you've ever wondered what it would look like if a gigantic yellow robot tickled John Malkovich and made him squirm with laughter, then at least you'll get that. (Yes I said 'tickled' and that's exactly what happens.) Otherwise, use the image of that scene as a microcosm for how horrible and ill-conceived this atrocity is. And while we're here, everyone else in this movie is bad.

Q: How is the Directing?

A: In the grand tradition of proving he can direct action, robots, clones and Ben Affleck, Michael Bay scores again with the massive action set-pieces here. Where he doesn't score is in achieving a cohesive tone. Is this supposed to be silly? Serious? Funny? Romantic? Please discuss below, because I'd really like to know... On second thought, I don't actually care.

Q: How is the story/script?

A: Watching this movie reminded me of when my parents took me to church every Sunday: I was bored and spent much of the time fantasizing about when it would end. It is not only boring, it's also incredibly annoying and grating. And heck, at least church was never two hours and forty minutes long! Maybe this has nothing to do with the story/script... but probably it has everything to do with it.

Q: Where can I see the trailer?

A: Transformers: Dark of the Moon Trailer

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X-Men: First Class

Q: What’s the movie about?

A: Before they were X-Men, they were X-boys and girls. This is the story of how they found each other, developed their powers, and chose sides.

Q: Who’s in the movie?

A: James McAvoy, Michael Fassbender, Kevin Bacon, Jennifer Lawrence, Rose Byrne, Nicholas Hoult, January Jones, Oliver Platt, Zoe Kravitz, Caleb Landry Jones, Lucas Till, Edi Gathegi, Alex Gonzalez, Jason Flemyng, Matt Craven, Laurence Belcher, Bill Milner, Demitri Goritsas, Glenn Morshower

Q: Is this movie worth the price of admission?

A: Go! In the world of superheroes, the story of how they became who they are is always going to be the most interesting part. And that goes for stories about regular people, too.

Q: Will this movie make me laugh?

A: There's a lot that's light-hearted and fun, but none of it will really make you laugh.

Q: Will this movie make me cry?

A: The ending is really sad, because it has to leave us off where the original films begin. But it's also kind of exciting because we knew they had to get there. Kind of like the end of Revenge of the Sith.

Q: Will this movie be up for any awards?

A: I give it the Award for not using 3D! I guess when you have a good story, you don't have to rely on gimmicks to get the audiences interested.

Q: How is the Acting?

A: The most emotional performance is Mystique's morphing. Can we give acting accolades to the special effects department?

Q: How is the Directing?

A: With Stardust, Kick-Ass and this, Matthew Vaughn can add another to his quickly growing list of films that I've given green lights. Except that I only gave Stardust a green light in my mind, because it came out a few months before I developed my mutant super power of giving out lights.

Q: How is the story/script?

A: I enjoyed how they incorporated the story of mutant superheroes into the actually history of WWII and the Cuban Missile Crisis. It's especially great because now, when we want to confuse our children about where the line is between history and fiction, we no longer have to rely solely on the 24 hour news networks.

Q: Where can I see the trailer?

A: X-Men: First Class Trailer

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Iron Man 2

(Guest Review by Annette)

Q: What’s the movie about?

A: Billionaire playboy/weapons specialist Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.) is back. The government wants him to hand over the Iron Man technology, the energy core is poisoning him, and there’s a bad Russian (Mickey Rourke) in town who is bent on revenge.

Q: Who’s in the movie?

A: Robert Downey Jr., Don Cheadle, Scarlett Johansson, Gwyneth Paltrow, Sam Rockwell, Mickey Rourke, Samuel L. Jackson, Jon Favreau, Garry Shandling, Clark Gregg, John Slattery, Paul Bettany, Kate Mara, Leslie Bibb, Christiane Amanpour, Larry Ellison, DJ Am, Stan Lee, Olivia Munn, Jack White

Q: Is this movie worth the price of admission?

A: Proceed with Caution. It’s not as good as the original, but if you like high-octane action (read: lots of stuff blowing up) and don’t mind a predictable storyline, go see Iron Man Part Deux.

Q: Will this movie make me laugh?

A: RDJ delivers the trademark Tony Stark snark. Expect a few chuckles, but don’t worry about popping your stitches.

Q: Will this movie make me cry?

A: If you thought Mickey Rourke was hot in 9 ½ Weeks, you’ll spend the entire movie getting choked up about the fact that he never became a silver-fox like George Clooney.

Q: Will this movie be up for any awards?

A: The New Coke Award given out to all the sequels that just don’t live up to the original.

Q: How is the Acting?

A: Robert Downey Jr. IS Tony Stark. Like every character he takes on, you just can’t imagine any other actor in that role. Mickey Rourke makes an awesome villain without even trying; he’d be the first person you’d cast in a movie about Genghis Khan or Janice Dickinson. Sam Rockwell makes a great sleazy weasel—the kind that makes you wish you had a whack-a-mole mallet. Jackson and Cheadle are under-utilized and it's sad to see their talent wasted in such underdeveloped roles. ScarJo is merely a set decoration to ramp up the comic fanboy drool factor. Don’t ask me about Gwyneth Paltrow. She irks.

Q: How is the Directing?

A: CGI heavy.

Q: How is the story/script?

A: Weighed down with too many subplots. Lots of things blow up. Tony Stark has clever dialogue. That pretty much sums it up.

Q: Is there anything else worth mentioning about the movie?

A: I think Chelsea Handler is the only person who wouldn’t realize they swapped out Terrance Howard for Don Cheadle in the role of Lt. Col. Rhodey Rhodes. (see explanation of this joke here: http://www.tvsquad.com/2010/05/21/chelsea-handler-mixes-up-african-american-actors-video/)

Q: Where can I see the trailer?

A: http://www.moviefone.com/movie/iron-man-2/33909/trailers

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