Transformers: Dark of the Moon

(Guest Review by Russ)

Q: What’s the movie about?

A: Some big alien robots fight other alien robots; audience loses.

Q: Who’s in the movie?

A: Shia LaBeouf, Josh Duhamel, Rosie Huntington Whiteley, John Turturro, Tyrese Gibson, Patrick Dempsey, Frances McDormand, John Malkovich, Ken Jeong, Bill O'Reilly

Q: Is this movie worth the price of admission?

A: Stop! Even if you're a fan of this film trilogy, or the old animated show, or Michael Bay or... uh, anyway, seriously, you have to be missing your entire brain to enjoy this mess. The answer to this question has never been more definitive: no.

Q: Will this movie make me laugh?

A: Based on the weird performances of LaBeouf, Turturro, Malkovich and McDormand I'm going to guess that the movie is supposed to be funny. Instead, it's just sad.

Q: Will this movie make me cry?

A: You'll be too bored to cry. And besides, for this movie to elicit any emotion in you would be giving it way too much credit.

Q: Will this movie be up for any awards?

A: Most Boring Film Ever Made In The History of Cinema. This plastic bag filled with my friend Roy's dog's poop goes to: Transformers: Dark of the Moon. (Even the title is dumb.)

Q: How is the Acting?

A: For John Malkovich this is just another weird performance. Unfortunately his weird performances don't have the same effect in a non-weird movie. But if you've ever wondered what it would look like if a gigantic yellow robot tickled John Malkovich and made him squirm with laughter, then at least you'll get that. (Yes I said 'tickled' and that's exactly what happens.) Otherwise, use the image of that scene as a microcosm for how horrible and ill-conceived this atrocity is. And while we're here, everyone else in this movie is bad.

Q: How is the Directing?

A: In the grand tradition of proving he can direct action, robots, clones and Ben Affleck, Michael Bay scores again with the massive action set-pieces here. Where he doesn't score is in achieving a cohesive tone. Is this supposed to be silly? Serious? Funny? Romantic? Please discuss below, because I'd really like to know... On second thought, I don't actually care.

Q: How is the story/script?

A: Watching this movie reminded me of when my parents took me to church every Sunday: I was bored and spent much of the time fantasizing about when it would end. It is not only boring, it's also incredibly annoying and grating. And heck, at least church was never two hours and forty minutes long! Maybe this has nothing to do with the story/script... but probably it has everything to do with it.

Q: Where can I see the trailer?

A: Transformers: Dark of the Moon Trailer

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