Transformers: Dark of the Moon

(Guest Review by Russ)

Q: What’s the movie about?

A: Some big alien robots fight other alien robots; audience loses.

Q: Who’s in the movie?

A: Shia LaBeouf, Josh Duhamel, Rosie Huntington Whiteley, John Turturro, Tyrese Gibson, Patrick Dempsey, Frances McDormand, John Malkovich, Ken Jeong, Bill O'Reilly

Q: Is this movie worth the price of admission?

A: Stop! Even if you're a fan of this film trilogy, or the old animated show, or Michael Bay or... uh, anyway, seriously, you have to be missing your entire brain to enjoy this mess. The answer to this question has never been more definitive: no.

Q: Will this movie make me laugh?

A: Based on the weird performances of LaBeouf, Turturro, Malkovich and McDormand I'm going to guess that the movie is supposed to be funny. Instead, it's just sad.

Q: Will this movie make me cry?

A: You'll be too bored to cry. And besides, for this movie to elicit any emotion in you would be giving it way too much credit.

Q: Will this movie be up for any awards?

A: Most Boring Film Ever Made In The History of Cinema. This plastic bag filled with my friend Roy's dog's poop goes to: Transformers: Dark of the Moon. (Even the title is dumb.)

Q: How is the Acting?

A: For John Malkovich this is just another weird performance. Unfortunately his weird performances don't have the same effect in a non-weird movie. But if you've ever wondered what it would look like if a gigantic yellow robot tickled John Malkovich and made him squirm with laughter, then at least you'll get that. (Yes I said 'tickled' and that's exactly what happens.) Otherwise, use the image of that scene as a microcosm for how horrible and ill-conceived this atrocity is. And while we're here, everyone else in this movie is bad.

Q: How is the Directing?

A: In the grand tradition of proving he can direct action, robots, clones and Ben Affleck, Michael Bay scores again with the massive action set-pieces here. Where he doesn't score is in achieving a cohesive tone. Is this supposed to be silly? Serious? Funny? Romantic? Please discuss below, because I'd really like to know... On second thought, I don't actually care.

Q: How is the story/script?

A: Watching this movie reminded me of when my parents took me to church every Sunday: I was bored and spent much of the time fantasizing about when it would end. It is not only boring, it's also incredibly annoying and grating. And heck, at least church was never two hours and forty minutes long! Maybe this has nothing to do with the story/script... but probably it has everything to do with it.

Q: Where can I see the trailer?

A: Transformers: Dark of the Moon Trailer

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G-Force 3D

Q: What’s the movie about?

A: After finding out that their covert branch of the FBI is being shut down, a group of special agent guinea pigs must escape the FBI agents who want to exterminate them, while preventing a plot to destroy the world.

Q: Who’s in the movie?

A: Sam Rockwell, Nicolas Cage, Penelope Cruz, Tracy Morgan, Jon Favreau, Steve Buscemi, Zach Galifianakis, Will Arnett, Bill Nighy, Kelli Garner, Niecy Nash, Justin Mentell, Jack Conley, Gabriel Casseus

Q: Is this movie worth the price of admission?

A: Proceed with Caution. While the plot is multi-faceted and the guinea pig point of view is original, the cheesy one-liners-- all of which have been used in at least 6 different movies before this-- are enough to snap you right out of the miniature action.

Q: Will this movie make me laugh?

A: When the characters aren't spouting out cliches like, "If you mess with the bull, you're gonna get the horns," (in the complete absence of anything resembling a bull, I might add), there are a few opportunities for jokes you haven't heard before, some of which are even funny.

Q: Will this movie make me cry?

A: Its efforts at sentimentality are valiant, but they never reach through your thick skin to where your heart is.

Q: Will this movie be up for any awards?

A: Last weekend it won the number one spot at the box office... Well, my friends, after paying to see it in 3D, I understand why. There is a $4 surcharge for 3D, which is a $2 increase since the last time I saw a 3D movie, only a few short months ago, and which shot my $11.50 ticket up to $15.50 in seconds flat. At that rate of inflation, even a Japanese language film about gay lovers committing harakiri could get to number one. And let me tell you something about the 3D. It wasn't worth it.

Q: How is the Acting?

A: The voice actors are pretty wonderful. Penelope Cruz and Tracy Morgan are a great team. And I didn't even recognize Nicholas Cage's voice, from the weird affectation he was doing with it.

Q: How is the Directing?

A: The action is all pretty easy to follow, which is nice, but there are a few moments, I would've liked to indulge in a little longer. Like when they set off all the fireworks in a fireworks show at once. I've always wondered why they don't do that on the 4th of July. It would be so much cooler, than the slow build up of crappy explosives that lead to the non-spectacular ending that we usually get. Just blow 'em all up at once! That's what I'd suggest.

Q: How is the story/script?

A: Aside from the dialogue sucking, there is a fair amount of action, and some interesting allusions to what life must be like for guinea pigs-- or at least the ones that have the brains of a human. There is one plot turn that seems out of place in a similar way that the conclusion of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull seemed like it didn't belong in that movie, but because this is an offbeat animation about guinea pigs that talk and fight crime, I'm more likely to accept that sort of non sequitur here.

Q: Where can I see the trailer?

A: http://www.moviefone.com/movie/g-force/31271/trailers

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Battle for Terra

Q: What’s the movie about?

A: In an animated sci-fi world, in the distant future, after the Earth's atmosphere has become uninhabitable, the last remaining humans in the Universe, who live on a space station that's only months away from running out of breathable air, decide to invade and take over the planet of Terra, which requires annihilating the peaceful little Alien beings who currently inhabit the planet.

Q: Who’s in the movie?

A: Evan Rachel Wood, Luke Wilson, Chris Evans, David Cross, Brian Cox, Danny Trejo, Amanda Peet, Justin Long, Phil LaMarr, David Krumholtz, Danny Glover, Beverly D'Angelo, Rosanna Arquette, Ron Perlman, Dennis Quaid, James Garner, Mark Hamill

Q: Is this movie worth the price of admission?

A: Proceed with Caution. There are only two types of people who would enjoy this die-hard sci-fi, morality tale. 1) The serious sci-fi connoisseur. The kind who remembers that the original purpose of science fiction was to hypothesize about the future, so as to warn against potential forthcoming dangers in the present. Those who stick to their belief that sci-fi is not just supposed to be an excuse to blow things up. And 2) The 10 year old boys-- but not the kind who ever plan on having a girlfriend.

Q: Will this movie make me laugh?

A: Rarely has an animated movie taken itself quite so seriously.

Q: Will this movie make me cry?

A: It might bore you to tears.

Q: Will this movie be up for any awards?

A: It is filled with award winning ideas about peace vs. war, and the ability to live side by side and share things... like land... and air... You know, like we learned to do in nursery school-- when we were four! (Yes, I'm talking to you Israel and Palestine.)

Q: How is the Acting?

A: Considering the list of big names above, you really never think about who's doing the voices in this one. Probably a sign of believable acting.

Q: How is the Directing?

A: The world that is created is quite peaceful and beautiful-- before the battle begins. So visually, it's fairly original. But the pace is much too slow, especially at the beginning. And it's hard not to compare the battle scenes to every space movie and TV show that starts with the word "Star."

Q: How is the story/script?

A: There are several high stakes scenes that get you thinking about what the most ethical choice would be for a character, and what you might do if put in that character's precarious situation. But those moments are surrounded by scenes that rock you to sleep, so good luck being awake to catch them.

Q: Where can I see the trailer?

A: http://www.moviefone.com/movie/battle-for-terra/36649/trailers

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